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Siren's Call Part 2By Sandra Tayler
Jenna hung up the phone and crossed “Get medical records” off her list of chores. She’d begun the day determined to get through some of the list that the lawyer had given her yesterday. After more than an hour mostly spend on hold, Jenna’s enthusiasm was waning. At least the hospital had finally found the file on Jenna’s broken arm. The pain from the break was only a hazy memory, but she recalled vividly the disbelieving looks from the nurses when she lied about falling down the stairs. She couldn’t even remember why Jay had been angry. She must have done something to trigger it. Her whole life was a careful dance to keep Jay happy.
Jay had felt awful. He’d taken her to the hospital himself and hovered over her while they were in the ER. One nurse managed a moment alone with Jenna while Jay was in the bathroom. The nurse had given Jenna the number of a battered women’s shelter and urged her to call it. Jenna never told Jay about that. Humiliated, she’d crumpled the number and thrown it away when Jay’s back was turned. The nurse tried to catch Jenna’s eye as she left, but Jenna wouldn’t return the look.
Older and wearier, Jenna doodled in the margins of her list and thought dispassionately about that event. Gran had called Jay a wife beater. The nurse had implied abuse. Only stupid people allowed themselves to be abused. Jenna remembered feeling intelligent. She’d gotten into college. Now she felt like she should wear a scarlet A on her chest. Not for “Adultery” but for “Abused Idiot.” Maybe Jay was right all those times he called her stupid. Jenna mentally traced her path from smart college freshman to abused idiot. Each step, each minor battle lost seemed so small. Classes not attended and then failed because Jay needed her. Hobbies abandoned because they annoyed Jay. Family reunions missed because Jay “couldn’t” take time off from work. Although he had plenty of time off for things he wanted to do. Jenna shook her head to clear it and looked down at her list. “Get a job” was too big to tackle today. Jenna wondered what kinds of jobs would be available in a tiny town like this. Maybe Gran would know.
As if summoned, Gran and Brendan clattered into the house. They’d been on a walk down the road toward town. It wasn’t an exciting road, but it let Brendan get out of the house for awhile. Besides, three-year-olds created their own excitement out of every leaf, stick, or puddle they found. Gran enjoyed taking Brendan on these walks. Or she said she did. But she always came back tired and frequently retreated to her hobby room or bedroom after they returned. Jenna didn’t blame Gran. Brendan was energetic enough to wear out anyone, even if they weren’t approaching 70.
True to pattern, Gran ushered Brendan in to Jenna and then disappeared into her bedroom. Jenna attempted to scoop Brendan into her lap for a snuggle, but he didn’t want to sit still. Instead he clattered around the room making rocketship noises while flying a stick with his hand. The noises quickly began to annoy Jenna, so she asked him if he wanted to watch cartoons. He did. Jenna felt a little bit guilty turning on the TV. She knew Brendan was watching too much of it. But it was so hard to keep him occupied. Even with Gran’s generosity, there weren’t that many toys to play with. He couldn’t go play on the beach, and no other kids lived nearby. Jenna sighed and went back to her list.
“Make friends.” It was such an odd thing to write on a To Do list, but the lawyer had assured her it was critical. She needed to have friends as character witnesses. She hadn’t had a close friend since her roommate Maria back when she’d first met Jay. Maria had been so warm and full of life; Jenna had loved sharing space with her. But Maria hadn’t liked Jay and that had driven them apart. At first Jenna had thought it was simply the friendship drift that happens to all people when they become part of a couple. It was normal for married people to drift away from their unmarried friends. Then she’d somehow drifted away from her family as well. She hadn’t spoken with her parents or brothers for almost a year. Later she could see the multitude of little ways that Jay had isolated her from everyone. Seeing it hadn’t fixed it though. Seeing a trap didn’t help at all if you saw it too late. Jenna suddenly missed Maria and her other college friends. Did Maria go on to grad school like she’d planned? Was she working? Married? What about Joseph, and Shelby, and Teresa? Where were they? The longing to talk to them all was almost a physical sensation. Jenna’s hand reached for the phone. She could call information in Phoenix and see if Maria was listed. Then Jenna’s hand recoiled. Jay would remember Maria. If she could find Maria, so could Jay. Maria never was good at keeping secrets; she couldn’t see the point. Jenna could not risk letting Maria know where she was.
Jenna would have to make new friends here. Brendan needed friends too. Maybe a mother/child class could give both of them the connections they needed. But classes cost money. Jenna couldn’t ask Gran to spend any more on her and Brendan. Between the clothes, and the food, and the toys, and the lawyer, Gran had already spent more than Jenna cared to think about. Maybe the job had to come first… but not today. Jenna suddenly realized she’d been staring at her list for over an hour. “Do laundry” was on there and that at least was something she could get done.
At 3:23 am Jenna snapped awake. She sat up in bed trying to figure out what had awoken her. Brendan’s bed was empty. Jenna realized that the sound which had awakened her was the click of the bedroom door shutting. Quickly she opened the door and hurried down the hall. She found Brendan in the kitchen trying to unlatch the back door.
“Brendan! What are you doing!?” Jenna whispered furiously. She picked him up and held him close, needing physical reassurance after the minor scare.
“Lady needs me.” Brendan answered while squirming to get down. Jenna felt a flare of anger. Had Gran been telling him stories about her supposed siren? Anger drove out all the horrible images that her back brain supplied about what could have happened. Just now she didn’t want to imagine Brendan smashed on rocks or drowned.
“Brendan there is no lady on the rocks! It’s just the ocean out there!”
Brendan squirmed even harder, his frustration level rising.
“Lady needs me!”
Jenna shifted her grip to keep hold of the struggling child.
“Let me go!” Brendan began to kick violently and hit Jenna with all his strength. Jenna knew that Brendan would start screaming next. Gran’s bedroom was at the other end of the house, but Brendan could get pretty loud. Jenna began carrying him to their room where she could shut the door.
Brendan shrieked in protest at moving farther from the back door.
“No! You stupid mommy! Stupid fat mommy!” Brendan’s kicking and writhing redoubled. He tried to hit her in the face with his fists. Fortunately he was too small and young to do any real damage. His words were better aimed. Jenna felt the sting of them. Jay had said such things often when he was angry. Tired of wrestling and being hit, Jenna flopped the writhing child on the bed and dodged out the door before Brendan could sort himself out. The door had no lock, so Jenna stood outside and held it closed. Brendan hit the door with a thump and continued pounding and shrieking.
Jenna stood there shaking. She marveled that Gran failed to respond to all of the noise. Then she realized that Gran probably took her hearing aids out at night. Jenna felt nauseous. Brendan was like Jay in miniature. The eyes were the wrong color, but when Brendan’s face was twisted with anger he looked so much like Jay that Jenna could hardly breathe. Jenna, are you always this stupid? Are you ever going to lose that baby weight and stop being so fat? They were Jay’s words only now in her mind’s eye it was Brendan who said them. Jenna shook, terrified of the future. When Brendan stopped being soft and adorable, would he frighten her as Jay did? She could see Brendan growing up just as tall and strong and charming and vicious as his father. Jenna’s vision was blurry and she realized that she was sobbing while holding the door shut tight.
Brendan had stopped pounding and begun crying. Jenna could hear that his cries of “Mommy!” had switched from anger to fear. She wiped her face and nose, then hauled herself from her slump on the floor and opened the door. Brendan was curled into a little ball next to Jenna’s bed. He didn’t notice her come in, but when Jenna crouched and touched his back, Brendan launched himself into Jenna’s embrace with such force that he knocked her over. He clung to her and sobbed with his little voice hoarse from shouting. Jenna clung just as hard to him and sobbed into his hair. They stayed that way for what felt like an eternity while the storm of emotion ebbed.
Eventually Jenna moved them both onto the bed and collected Brendan’s stuffed dog. Brendan snuggled the dog close. Jenna snuggled Brendan close. Every time Jenna shifted position he would grab hold of her to make sure she was not leaving. Jenna lay there and listened to Brendan’s sobbing breaths become the shuddering breaths of post-upset sleep. Eventually his breathing smoothed into true sleep. Jenna still held him as tightly as he clutched his stuffed dog. She knew she should be making plans. She needed to help Brendan heal. She needed to confront Gran about telling siren stories to Brendan. Perhaps moving away from Gran and the beach would be best. Jenna’s mind spun from needed plan to needed plan, but she was unable to decide what to do about any of them. At long last sleep arrived with blessed oblivion.
The cart wheel wobbled and squeaked as Jenna pushed it through the small market. The little store wasn’t like the big chain stores that Jenna was used to. It only had half a dozen shopping carts and they were all dented or wobbly. At least the child seat in this one worked enough that she could put Brendan in it.
She’d meant to confront Gran the morning after Brendan’s nighttime tantrum. She’d meant to demand just what stories Gran had been telling to Brendan. But she’d slept late. Her brain had been fuzzy with fatigue and a newly urgent need to watch that Brendan didn’t let himself out the back door. Brendan never attempted the door, though he spent lots of time staring out windows at the beach. Gran had always been watchful, but now Jenna joined her in that anxiety. Jenna knew that Gran could tell that something had changed. Gran even made a couple of attempts to broach the issue, but Jenna found herself dodging conversation. Jenna knew she should talk it through with Brendan. She knew she needed to confront Gran. But she couldn’t bring herself to do it. A day slipped by, then two, then three. Jenna had made no further progress on her lawyer-assigned tasks. Finally, in an effort to pull herself out of the funk, she’d volunteered to go grocery shopping.
Being away from the house cleared Jenna’s head. She pondered as she pushed the cart down the aisles. If she told Gran about Brendan’s excursion, Gran wouldn’t let them stay. Gran would believe that the siren was calling Brendan, rather than that he was an upset little boy with his world turned upside down. Gran had already given Jenna information about the trailer park and an apartment complex in a nearby town. But Jenna didn’t want to leave Gran’s house. It was the first safe place she’d had in years. She needed to keep Brendan safe at night without telling Gran. She’d tucked him into bed with her the past few nights. It was comforting to have him there so close. But she still slept fitfully, startling awake to make sure that Brendan was still there. Maybe she could stop by that hardware store and pick up another latch. She could put it up high on the bedroom door where Brendan couldn’t reach. Comforted by having made a plan, Jenna turned her attention to grocery shopping.
Jenna was concentrating on breakfast cereal when Brendan shouted.
“Daddy!”
Jenna whirled around. No one was there. She strode to the end of the aisle. Someone with a blue striped shirt disappeared around the corner of another aisle. Jay had a shirt like that. Jenna dashed back to her cart, snatched Brendan and her purse, then hurried to the front of the store.
“I sawed Daddy!” Brendan kept repeating as Jenna unlocked Gran’s car. She didn’t take time to buckle Brendan into his seat. She needed to get away from the parking lot before the person with Jay’s shirt came out of the store. If it was Jay, she didn’t want to be followed to Gran’s house.
One part of Jenna’s brain told her she was being ridiculous. There was no way for Jay to be here. He couldn’t have found her. But the animal part screamed that she needed to flee, so she did.
No one followed her on the circuitous route she took back to Gran’s house, but Jenna didn’t stop until she was inside with the door bolted. She leaned against it, completely breathless, holding Brendan tight. He squirmed against the clutch and she allowed him to slide to the floor. She slid to the floor with him, too shaky to remain standing.
Gran came into the hall. “That was quick! Did you…”
Brendan ran to Gran for a hug and chirped, “We sawed Daddy!”
Gran glanced to Jenna eyebrows raised, asking for confirmation.
“I don’t know… I didn’t really see…” Jenna found her breath in gasps. She impatiently dashed away the tears she couldn’t stop rolling down her face. Jenna took a couple of shuddering breaths and tried for more coherence.
“Brendan thought it was Jay, but I … didn’t really see. It could have been anyone.” Jenna clutched her purse close to her chest to keep her hands from shaking. Brendan wriggled out of Gran’s arms and ran to his truck set in the next room. Gran crossed her arms and peered at Jenna.
“Are you going to be okay?”
“I don’t know… I think I see him everywhere. Anytime I’m around other people. The fear grabs me and then I look again and it’s not Jay at all.” Jenna pounded her fists against her knees. “I’m so tired of being afraid!”
Gran went to the store in Jenna’s place and returned without incident. The store owner confirmed that a man with a blue striped shirt had been seen at the market that morning, but that after Jenna left he’d lingered to buy a basket full of groceries then drove toward the highway. Gran claimed this as evidence that he was just innocently passing through. The theory seemed confirmed by the Sheriff who said he’d seen no strangers in town. Jenna wanted to be comforted, but she still felt edgy. The sounds of Brendan’s game grated on her nerves, so she went out the back door and sat on the steps.
The breeze was cool on her face and she wriggled her bare toes in the sand. The sound of the waves was soothing and drowned out the distant noises of Gran and Brendan in the house. Jenna felt herself begin to relax into the twilight solitude. She closed her eyes.
Afterward Jenna was not sure what alerted her; she never heard him approach. But she knew Jay was there before she opened her eyes.
“Hello, Jenna.” Jay smiled and the corners of his eyes crinkled in the way that Jenna always loved. He was so handsome standing there in that blue shirt which exactly matched his eyes. It was a blue striped shirt.
“That was you in the grocery store.” Jenna’s voice was totally flat, as if this observation was of no importance whatsoever. Jenna’s heart was frozen and her brain with it. Jay was here and her place of safety was suddenly not so safe. Jenna could feel her body tensed to move, to jump and flee. But she carefully didn’t move or give away her intentions. Jenna was acutely aware of the door behind her. Brendan was safe behind that door. She could not let Jay get to Brendan.
“Yes, it was me.” Jay shifted his feet in the sand and gave an uncertain half-smile. “I’ve been so worried Jen. Why did you run away?” To a casual observer Jay would radiate husbandly concern. But Jenna was by now an expert in reading the subtle signs of Jay’s emotional state. His hands clenched and unclenched slightly at his sides, and something in his posture declared that underneath the surface hurt, Jay was very, very angry. That anger seethed inside Jay like explosive material inside a stick of dynamite. Jenna did not dare let him get any closer than the ten feet away he stood right now.
Jenna tried to draw in air to answer Jay’s question and realized she was already holding her breath. Instead she blew out slowly and asked a question of her own.
“How did you find me?”
Jay’s eyes glinted. He loved to tell of his own cleverness.
“The hospital called to confirm the address to which they were sending records. That led me to the post office. I had to hang around town until I thought I saw you go into the grocery store. I followed you in to make sure it was you. I wanted to talk to you, but I was afraid you would run away. Then you did run. When that old lady came back driving the same truck, I followed her.”
Jenna had a sinking feeling in her gut. Jay was so calm and reasonable. She knew that this was the person that the courts would see. They would see the handsome man, not the horrible monster. Jenna knew it for fact because part of her was drawn to him while another screamed that she should flee. She could run right now, but she would never get away if she stopped for Brendan. A frightened voice in her brain gibbered that she should just leave Brendan behind. She silenced the voice as best she could. Abandoning Brendan was not an option. She had nowhere else to run anyway. She was cornered and Jay knew it.
Jay took a step toward Jenna and reached out his hand.
“Jenna…”
Jenna recoiled and half rose. Jay stepped back and raised both hands as if to show they were empty.
“I told the hospital that there was a mistake and they should send the records to our apartment.” Jay was letting her know that he’d countered her move. She would have to attempt again to get her hands on those records. It didn’t matter, she couldn’t possibly be any more cornered than she already was. Jenna focused intensely on Jay to see what his next move would be.
“Jenna. Why did you run away? I need you.”
The appeal missed its aim, merely rebounding off of Jenna’s detachment. Jenna, still tensed to move, could tell that Jay honestly did need her on some level. She couldn’t find it in herself to care. How odd. That need-of-her had always reeled her in before. In the early years when his anger frightened her, she stayed because of his need. Now his statement was like an empty fishing line with nothing on the hook. Jenna felt unutterably weary. She had run as far as she could and hidden thoroughly and it had done no good. Jay was here. She just wanted Jay to go away. He’d destroyed her safe place.
“Go away, Jay. My lawyer will send you divorce papers.” Jenna began to stand, intending to go into the house. In that moment of shifted attention, Jay took a step toward her. Anger rippled across his features. The frightened animal in Jenna took over. She lurched to her feet and began frantically climbing the stairs. If only she could get into the house and lock Jay out… But Jay moved quickly too. He grabbed her leg and she fell onto the wooden steps. The fall knocked her breath away, or maybe that was the fear. Jay hauled her down the steps and flipped her over. Jenna was pinned on the stairs, trapped by Jay’s body. He grabbed her hair and forced her face to turn to him.
“You can’t do that to me!” Jay yelled.
Jenna stared into his fierce anger and denial. Also there was a weird joy that Jay displayed anytime he physically overpowered her. Jay liked power. Apparently she didn’t look frightened or repentant enough because Jay grabbed her hair with both hands and thwacked her head against the stairs. Jenna gasped in pain.
“You. Can’t. Do. That. To. Me!” Jay punctuated each word by hitting her head on the step. Jenna’s head was ringing. Jay hauled her off the steps and across the sand to underneath the small porch. Jenna finally deciphered the sounds of the back door latches being opened. For a moment the sounds had no meaning to Jenna. Jay hauled her up under the porch and clamped a hand over her mouth.
“Don’t make a sound!” he hissed into her ear. Jenna heard Gran up above them calling
“Jenna? Was that you?” Jenna should be doing something about it, but her vision blurred and her head ached. She couldn’t think. Some interminable time later Gran went back in and the back door shut.
Jay shoved Jenna away with disgust.
“Who is that old lady?” Jenna blinked over at Jay. Her head pounded, but her vision was clearing.
“My Gran.” Jenna answered because it seemed the thing to do. She tried to sit up, but the world lurched and she fell to her side in the sand. She reached to the back of her head. Touching it gave her blinding pain and her hand came away wet.
“Your Gran?!” Jay answered in disbelief. “You never told me you had any grandparents. I can’t believe you lied to me for all those years!”
“I didn’t lie. I forgot about her.”
“You forgot. You just forgot to mention a grandparent with a beach house.” Jay said with derision. “What else did you forget to tell me? You certainly forgot to tell me you were leaving.” Jay stepped over and kicked Jenna in the stomach. She saw the motion coming and had time to tense her stomach muscles, but it still hurt.
The combination of the stomach blow and her spinning head had predictable consequences. Jenna vomited. She found the strength to pull herself partially upright so she wasn’t lying in it. When she was done she crawled a couple of feet across the slope and collapsed in exhaustion.
The sand felt rough and cool against her cheek. For a time she just lay there feeling the world spin underneath her and listening to the sound of the surf. She was in a timeless place where nothing mattered.
Then Jay was there. He pulled her half into his lap and cradled her close. Jenna could feel him rocking her and wished he would stop. The world was rocking enough on its own. Jay was talking to her; after a moment she could make sense of the words.
“…so sorry. You shouldn’t make me angry. You know I can’t control myself when I’m angry. Why did you leave? I need you!”
It was true. Jay really did need her. He needed her small so he could feel powerful. He needed her to love him and revere him so he could feel attractive and clever. He had no strength in himself. He was empty and he’d emptied her out trying to fill himself up. Nothing left of us now, but longing. There was something about longing she should remember, but Jay was talking again.
“Jenna! Don’t leave me!”
Jenna cracked her eyes open. Jay was crying, full on, eyes dripping, snot running, crying. He didn’t look at all attractive now Jenna noticed idly.
“We need to get you to the hospital.” Part of Jenna’s brain came alert. Hospitals meant people. Alone with Jay was the last thing she wanted to be right now. She nodded her assent and Jay began to help her up. Having a plan helped Jenna to stabilize. Going to the hospital also got Jay further away from Brendan. If Brendan saw his daddy, she didn’t know where they would all end up.
“That’s it. Good.” Jay was encouraging her as if she were a small child. “We’ll get you to the hospital and tell them how you fell down the stairs. And you can get better and we can all go home to Arizona together. Things will be better this time. I promise.”
Jenna listened to Jay’s talk as she stumbled to her feet. Jay was planning too, it seemed. She could already hear him revising events out loud. By the time they reached the hospital his version of events would show him to be a hero. The first person he fooled would be himself because it was too painful to realize that he caused all of the pain. I thought it was just me, remembering wrong. All those times that Jay claimed she said something she didn’t remember saying, missed appointments he said she forgot to tell him about, they all paraded in Jenna’s mind. They weren’t discrete incidents, but a theme like background music to a movie. All of it was Jay revising the world to suit himself. In Jay’s view she was stupid and fat and helpless so that he could be strong and handsome and clever. He got angry when she stepped out of her scripted role.
Jay supported her as they walked down the beach together. She did not want him touching her, but her legs felt rubbery and weak. At least the world had stopped spinning. Jay’s support was necessary; she didn’t think she could walk or drive by herself. Every step took them further from the house and Brendan. Every step took them closer to the hospital and help.
Jenna peered sideways at Jay. He was completely focused on helping her walk. His tears had begun to dry on his cheeks. He is afraid of me. Where the knowledge came from, Jenna was not sure. He is afraid of me because I am not what he says I am. With that thought Jenna’s whole world shifted. She was not powerless. She did not have to be the scared hiding animal that held her breath. Neither was she all-powerful, as her aching head reminded her with each stumbling step. But somewhere was a careful path that she could walk; a path that utilized her powers and negated Jay’s. The first step was the hospital. And then…she would go home to her parents. With no place left to hide, she needed a position of strength. Her parents and brothers would stand between her and Jay. Perhaps she could charge Jay with assault. Jay behind bars was a beautiful possibility.
It felt so good to have a plan, that Jenna didn’t notice Jay slowing until they stopped completely. She peered over at him again. His car was just uphill from them on the road, but he was looking along the beach toward the rocks.
Jenna licked her dry lips and forced out “What is it?”
“I thought I heard…” Jay shook his head as if to clear it and said, “Nevermind. There’s my car.”
She calls to sadness, emptiness, longing. Jenna remembered why it was important that Jay was empty. She remembered a handwritten note on a photocopied news article. Jenna glanced at the car that would take her to the hospital full of warmth, light, and people. The car was a first step in a long and painful dance that might end with her free of Jay. Perhaps Jay would go to jail for assault. Or perhaps he wouldn’t and she would have to defend herself and Brendan again. Could she really weather all of that?
Jenna looked toward the rocks, now indistinct in the falling dusk. What if there was a different dance? A much shorter dance.
“What do you hear, Jay?”
“It sounded like music.” Jenna stilled. For the first time Jenna remembered Brendan’s talk about “Lady,” Gran’s tales of the siren, the scrapbook of clippings, and believed. Pain, and hate, and fear, such as Jenna felt at this moment should and could linger after life was over.
Jay was looking toward the rocks again.
“Shall we go see?” The words were out before Jenna thought she had decided anything. Jay nodded and they angled their hobbling steps away from the car and down the beach. Jenna found walking easier now. The pain had receded behind some mental barrier. Jenna knew it was there, but found it no more than a nuisance. This was good because increasingly Jay’s attention was divided. He was reacting to a song she could not hear. The siren was real.
They stumbled to a halt at the place where sand met rocks. Jay absently patted Jenna’s arm.
“You stay here. I’ll be right back.”
I doubt it. Jenna held very still while Jay began to pick his way out onto the rocks. Jenna was stone as she watched him go. If I let him die, I will be a murderer. Jenna’s heart beat faster. A small part of her whispered: No one will know. No one could possibly know. He’ll be gone and you’ll be free. Jay continued to work his way out toward the sea. Murder is still murder even if the weapon is invisible. Jenna quavered, trapped between the competing desires of her soul. Jay glanced back at her, his face free from pain lines and filled with a boyish joy. He looked like Brendan. Brendan.
“Jay!” she cried, but the crashing waves drown out her shrieks. Jenna began to clamber after Jay, desperate to stop him somehow. If she didn’t stop him, she would have to face Brendan knowing she had killed his daddy. She couldn’t catch up. Jay was uninjured and had shoes on.
Surf crashed over them both. Jenna was knee deep at the fullest swell of the wave. It pushed her toward the beach, then tugged at her, pulling her out to sea. The water was icy. Jenna fell onto the jagged rocks. Jay was out deeper and only failed to be swept away because he clung to a rock. Jenna tried to pull herself back to her feet, but a chunk of rock came loose in her hand. She fell again. Jenna staggered to her feet, still clutching the chunk of rock. Jay was too far out and he was moving yet farther. Jenna could see the swell of the next wave looming in the darkness beyond Jay. She gripped the rock firmly, pulled her arm back, and let it fly. If only she could knock him out, she could drag him back to shore. The rock flew from her hand, arced against the fading sky, and landed far too short and much too wide.
“Jay!” Jenna shrieked again, not because it would do any good, but because it was better than doing nothing. The swell of the wave crashed against the first row of rocks beyond Jay and exploded into a frothing wall of white. The wall devoured Jay and rolled unstoppably onward to Jenna. It struck her high on her thigh knocking her down. Jenna scraped against rocks powerless against the push of the wave. She scrabbled with her hands trying to find a purchase. Her empty lungs cried for air. She scraped over rocks, but couldn’t catch hold. She felt when the wave began receding, tugging her out to sea.
Then Jenna had a grip. She clutched at the rock and pushed her head above the surface of the water. She was facing the ocean and another wave was coming. Terrified, Jenna scrambled on hands and knees away from the ocean. She lurched to her feet, trying to run. The crashing wave followed her, but tamed to ankle height before it reached her. Jenna kept staggering until she was safe on dry sand, where she collapsed to the ground. For several gasping breaths she only felt grateful to be alive. Then she remembered and jerked upright to look at the rocks. Jay was gone.
Jenna did not know how long she lay on the beach. The mental barrier that had protected her from pain was gone. He head ached, her stomach ached, and the innumerable scrapes on her hands and feet each announced their presence throbbingly. The sky was fully dark before Jenna found the strength to hobble back to the house. The walk was long and slow because her lacerated feet screamed at each step. Several times Jenna contemplated just sitting and waiting for someone to find her. They would eventually. She knew that, but it would leave Gran and Brendan in suspense for hours, possibly all night. The wind cut right through her wet clothes and hair. She’d freeze if she spent all night on this beach. And she didn’t want to look at the rocks behind her, so she walked.
When Jenna finally made it in the back door, Gran took one look at her and wordlessly helped Jenna walk through the house, out the front, and into the truck. Jenna sat numbly while Gran buckled her seatbelt. Gran then collected Brendan and began buckling him in next to Jenna. Brendan’s eyes were wide and frightened. Jenna wanted to reassure him. She wanted to hug him close and tell him everything would be okay. She even tried to speak, but it came out garbled and Brendan’s lip began to quiver. Jenna stopped trying and closed her eyes. The long hazy drive ended in a confusion of bright lights and a hospital bed where Jenna could finally lie down. There were IVs and medicines which brought a surcease of pain through sleep.
Jenna hit the off button disgustedly. She could only tolerate so much daytime television without feeling like she was polluting her brain. Unfortunately there wasn’t much else to do in the hospital room. For several days it hadn’t been a problem since she’d slept a lot. No, after four days in the hospital, she was bored. Fortunately her boredom was short-lived because Gran arrived with Brendan in tow. They were shadowed by a teenage girl in a pink hospital volunteer shirt.
“Mommy!” Brendan flew to her bed and climbed up to hug her tight. Jenna noticed that he had his stuffed dog clutched under one arm. It was a sign of insecurity. Jenna hugged him back as best she could with the IV still in her wrist.
After a moment savoring the hug of her little boy, Jenna looked up at Gran and asked “How has he been?”
“He misses you, but we’ve been fine.”
Jenna wondered how many tantrums and how much grandmotherly fatigue was blanketed behind that ‘fine,’ but decided not to ask.
Gran continued, “The doctor says we can take you home.”
“Yeah. They told me that too. A nurse is supposed to be along soon to take out my IV.”
Brendan wriggled free from the hug and began to examine the buttons on the hospital bed. These had been a source of endless fascination to him every time he came to see her. He began to adjust her bed randomly, giggling at being able to make such a huge object move at the touch of a button. Jenna felt a wave of fatigue. She loved to see Brendan, but his energetic behavior was a bit overwhelming in her weakened state.
The girl in the pick volunteer shirt, which announced ‘Hi I’m Candi!’ on the front pocket, stepped forward and offered to take Brendan to play with the toys in the pediatric area. Brendan was hesitant at first, but the promise of a train to play with was enticing. It didn’t take him long to wave goodbye and trip off down the hall holding Candi’s hand.
Gran and Jenna watched them go, then turned back to each other. Gran sat in when Jenna gave her police statement, but this was the first time they’d been alone together since the night on the beach. Jenna had despised Jay for revising events to his convenience, but she found herself editing the story she told to the police. She hadn’t told a single lie, but she’d …simplified. Jay attacked her. She and Jay went down the beach. He went on the rocks, she followed. Then he was gone. Jenna had expected further inquisition. The tale seemed so threadbare. But the officer had just nodded and taken notes. Gran had listened to this tale without comment, but her eyes searched Jenna’s, demanding to be told the true story later.
Now it was later and Gran asked “She took him, didn’t she?”
Jenna met Gran’s level gaze.
“Yes.”
Gran slumped a little and sat down in a chair.
“Never thought I’d have cause to be grateful of her.”
Jenna wasn’t sure what to say to that. She too was grateful, or at least part of her was. There would be no court case now. Jenna was so glad she was not going to court. She was glad that he could never frighten her or hurt her again. She could go home. She could call her parents and Maria. It was so awful and evil of her to be so glad. Every time Brendan came to visit she saw Jay’s face at the moment he glanced back from the rocks. She was a murderer. In the dark hours of the night she’d considered confessing the true story to the police, but she feared it would only land her in an asylum and leave Brendan bereft of both parents. She hadn’t yet had the courage to tell Brendan that his daddy was dead. Would she some day have to tell Brendan the true story? Would he hate her for what she had done? Jenna could feel tears coming and blinked to try to stop them. She looked away. She didn’t want to cry in front of Gran. Gran noticed anyway. She straightened in her chair and stared at Jenna through narrowed eyes.
“Jay didn’t just walk down that beach.” It wasn’t a question. Janna looked at Gran searchingly. Gran was the one person Jenna dared tell.
“No. He didn’t.” Jenna looked down at her hands in her lap and fiddled with the tape holding her IV in place. “She called to him and I …encouraged him to go.” The tape was coming up at one corner. Jenna began to tease it free. The IV would be removed soon anyway. “I changed my mind and tried to save him, but it was too late. Jenna focused very hard on the piece of tape. She didn’t want to remember the rocks or the waves. She didn’t want to see that last look on Jay’s face. She didn’t want to feel the wave crashing her body against the rocks. The tape was halfway free now. Jenna was wary of getting too close to the needle in her arm, so she switched to a different piece of tape. Gran watched the tape removal without comment. When the second piece of tape was nearly free she spoke.
“What are you going to do now?”
Jenna looked up from the tape. This was a safer subject.
“I think I’ll go home to my parents. I hope you don’t mind, but I just can’t stay at your house anymore.”
“No.” Garn was quick to answer. “Not you, or Brendan.”
Jenna nodded.
“Once I get home I’ll take some time to sort myself out.” Jenna was deeply aware of how much sorting out there was to be done. Maybe she’d take Gran’s advice and see a therapist. “After that… maybe I’ll go back to school.” It would be good to learn again. Perhaps school would help her sort a future out of the tangled mess of her life.. If only she could figure out how to not carry the darkness inside her to taint that future.
Gran studied the hospital wall for a moment then asked.
“How you planning to get home?”
“I hadn’t thought about it. The bus I guess.”
“You ain’t in any shape to take a bus.” Gran looked searchingly at Jenna’s face and offered “I could drive you. Been too long since I’ve been down that way.”
Jenna smiled and a new joy blossomed inside her.
“Yes, it has.”
Jenna met Gran’s eyes. It would be a long trip with lots of quiet hours in which to discuss sirens, and darkness, and how to go on afterwards. Jenna could think of no one better to spend the trip with. Gran smiled rustily back at Jenna as the nurse rolled in a cart to remove the IV.
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